(New Written Post) 2016, Discomfort, Patience & Faith

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I broke my camera. I honestly feel lost not being able to use it everyday, edit and post a video. I hate missing a #SelfLoveSaturday so today I’ll be writing instead.

I’m in between apartments right now so my life feels a little more chaotic than usual, and even though I think I’m doing a pretty good job of riding the wave I can’t wait for just a bit of calm and to be settled. I think Mercury is in retrograde though so the uneasy feeling I have doesn’t surprise me. I have a mix of emotions going on that I need to settle but i’m not exactly sure how, which is why this post is going to seem like a big vent session. For the Leos:

Mercury enters Capricorn, one of the hardest working signs in the zodiac, on December 2. Mercury in earthy Capricorn will stimulate the sector of your chart that rules your day job and your responsibilities, as well as your health and habits. Expect to do a lot of talking about these issues this month! But don’t expect everything to move full speed ahead: Mercury retrograde begins on December 19.

I have a friend that I love dearly but there’s a few things that are annoying and concerning me that have come up in the last little while and truthfully my guard is up. I have a love/hate relationship with my own guard because 1. I hate the uneasy feeling & 2. It takes a while for it to go back down.

I know that my intuition is sharp and I don’t gain these feelings for no reason, but I haven’t figured out yet how to deal with the emotions & energy in a positive way. In a way that helps me to understand myself, my boundaries and my friends. In the last 5 years of my life I’ve had a few changed friendships because of this feeling but I’ve yet to come to terms with it. I still blame myself for the discomfort and loss of friendship, I question if I’m just a bitch or too sensitive. And I get frustrated that I haven’t learned how to channel and express these emotions in a clear and positive way.

I want to, I need to.

I’m ready for 2016 to be done with, it was a rocky year for me. I made a lot of upward progress in 2015 and then ’16 came and said “lets walk through this Quick Sand instead.” I fell into a depression again, I gained, lost and gained weight. I’ve struggled all year with what I’m supposed to be eating, if i’m not on a detox, then I regularly wake up with an upset stomach. Literally as I type this right now i’m in discomfort. I lost my relationship with my boyfriend (though I’m in a better place with it now) and I had a good chunk of the year where I had no clue what I was/should/need/want to do. And i’ll be honest I’m only holding on by a thread to the few confirmations that I’ve had in this later portion of the year. And that’s probably the most interesting part of it all — normally in my business as soon as Thanksgiving approaches things slow down a lot, but right now for me, its actually picked up. I’ve been filming for my production company like crazy, and its great! Its rewarding and exciting! I’m doing my best to have a different new year, a different outlook and experience and I actually think the work is going to pay off.

Like I said 2016 was not my favorite year of life but through it all I’m still optimistic for next year. I think a lot of good is going to happen so i’m anxious and ready for it to start. I’m going to try to figure out how to deal with my discomforts in a positive way that serves myself and those around me. And i’m going to continue to apply patience and faith to myself, and my years. Patience while in a struggle and faith that in the end it will all be okay.




Comments

  1. I have stated this before, but you and I are going through such similar things that it is almost scary. Luckily for you, you are discovering certain things at an age where you can still do something that will make a significant impact on your life. Some of my lessons have been learned too late, but at least I won’t make the mistake again.

    I too had to end some relationships, and I thought maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m too sensitive, too demanding, or just hard to get along with. But when I carefully analyze the reason for the break, I realize it was not me. Yes, I may have been demanding but not in a bad way. Why shouldn’t we demand to be treated the way we think we should? We treat others with kindness and respect and there is nothing wrong in wanting the same in return.

    The last 2 years have been tough for me, especially 2016. But I know that if I stick to my guns, and can make it through the last few weeks of the year, that 2017 will be my year to shine. I feel this is true for you as well, because of the person you are. You have inspired me so much to go for my dreams and I know I can’t be the only one.

    I’ve cleaned up my eating, starting exercising and am continuing my hair growth journey. It is funny how the hair thing has impacted other aspects of my life (in a good way).

    I will end this post with 2 quotes. One of which is my favorite, and one your post reminded me of. They are both from movies

    “Each human being has an integrity that can be hurt only by the act of the same being and not by the act of another human being” (from the movie Angel and the Badman. It is supposed to be a Quaker quote, but not sure if it really is)

    “Everything will be all right in the end… if it’s not all right then it’s not yet the end”. (Sonny: The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel)

  2. Lisa Jenkins says:

    You know I understand what you mean about the friendship thing. I went/am going through something similar. But you might need to rethink/reevaluate how you see your friends and what friendship is. There’s a video by Steve Harvey that talks about being careful who you let ride on “your wagon”. If you haven’t seen it, go watch it on YouTube. It is very true. You can have acquaintances that you socialize with but won’t let on your wagon. True friends are always for you no matter what. I have gone thru the exercise of downgrading my friendships. Those that don’t work or aren’t positive in any way drop. But those that make you keep your guard up you can keep but downgrade from I’ll drop what I’m doing for you to a friendly hi and bye and maybe some light social chitchat but that’s it. You don’t have to isolate yourself.

    As for your year, can’t say how it felt to you but I’ve never followed you more so.your content is on point! Can’t wait to see what you come up with next. Consider that idea I sent about a beyond complicated like web series but on race as I think you could really do something with that broad topic and make it gripping.

    Here’s hoping we both have a better 2017 than we did in 2016. This year for me was also challenging but in my case the challenges I faced pushed me in a direction i was scared to go otherwise. Still not sure if I’m ready but the universe isn’t really giving me much choice. So I’ve decided to not resist (as much) and try my best to go with the flow. If only so that I can see what happens….

    Happy new Year!

  3. Hey, My name is Lebohang and I am from South Africa. All my life I felt like I have been living a cave ..i am student, made new friends 😏kinda soda , so here is the thing whenever we go out I feel like an outcast. Because they are always the ones who do the talking and I am just there like😊.I have insecurities I won’t lie 1. is my height! I am short
    2. i don’t always have interesting things.. so people don’t hang out with me 😭
    I need to get out of my comfort zone, why do I feel this way!😏

  4. Here you are! Glad to see you on this #SelfLoveSaturday.

    As I said in a recent blog post: We can’t be more than conquerors if we have nothing to conquer. 2016 has surely been interesting, but by the grace of God we’re still here, using the tests we’ve experienced as testimonies.

    All things work together for good and in 2017 and beyond you’ll see the manifestation of God’s promise, your hard work, and your vision. Keep moving forward. Keep creating. Keep going. We’re all rooting for you.

  5. Yo 2016 has been the craziest year for me too. I started the year losing a kinda already lost friendship with someone who was by best friend and my roommate. That event also ended in me losing my home in a wild and unexpected way. I started a pr company and got some great contracts and then lost them. My home boy, a young man who I was on the poetry scene with pretty heavy, killed himself in the name of social justice on the steps of the state house in ohio and became a national hashtag. I turned 30. My friends dad, who I was taking care of, died out of nowhere. I still carry guilt with that, as I was on my birthday trip when he died. I told him I was going to go to a wedding and return right after. I didn’t, I went on an unexpected quad city thirtieth instead. He died as soon as I got back. We still don’t and won’t know how he died. I saw the ocean for the first time this year (on my birthday trip). I spent part of this year in a shelter. Decided I was going to move to the east coast as to be closer to my mother and my friend who lost her dad. I got a great job opportunity in Philadelphia and then the company went on a hiring freeze. Decided I was gonna move anyway and then my mother died, which is a perpetual pain I came sometimes barely maintain. I moved into her home, which was something I desperately needed, but it’s hard to reconcile that I got what I needed in the death of my mother. It’s just been crazy. I’ve had to change the dynamic of some of my closest friendships because I experienced such extreme disappointment inside of them. It’s really difficult to be extremely angry by the actions of people who feel like they did nothing wrong and for the most part aren’t sorry. Sometime I feel like I’m doing the most, but I realized my friends and I were just on fundamentally different pages. Which is hard, because I was on the same page with them for sooooo long and it’s strange to be on different paths now. It really hurts and I straight up feel like i went through a divorce in a few of my relationships this year. It’s just been a fucking lot this year. My saturn returned and that transition has rather traumatic. I’m just happy that 2016 is almost over and i’m at peace through accepting some things as they are and changing whatever else I can in 2017. My life changed so much this year, but I finally feel like I’m where I’m supposed to be and I’m divinely aligned to have a much better 2017.

    oh, and I also met you this year! Which was fantastic and long overdue. I experience the same discomfort with people you have and when I was younger I would just completely cut people off. Now I try access the relationships as objectively as I can and repurpose the role people play in my life. Most of all, I’ve learned that I have to honor myself and my feelings. These feeling don’t necessarily mean that the people i feel a way about are bad, but it does usually indicate that something has changed. I now align myself with that change.

    Also, I listened to this recently. It was excellent.
    http://singjupost.com/oprah-winfrey-career-life-leadership-transcript/4/

    (sorry for the long post. I just got to reflecting)

    • Whoa! That was quite a year! Girl! And the most amazing part, is when we met I wouldn’t have thought you’ve been through so much, this year alone. I just thought about how positively you were dealing with losing your mom and discovering her at the same time. Your strong and fly!

      Thank you for sharing the link! Love!

  6. Do you have an old apple device. Apple devices usually capture awesome footage.

    • I have my phone, but my snob filmmaker, wants my camera or nothing at all lol, main problem is the repair take a few weeks due to the holidays :(. I’m just going to have to replace it, because I don’t know what to do with my hands anymore lol.

  7. 2016 2016 2016 this year is a year if all years. I fan whole heartedly agree with you that thisvyear has been rough. I graduated college after a 7 year journey, got my first car and learned how to drive. I got my first real job and 3 montha later got fired. This month I had no idea how I was going to pay rent as the unexpected liss of job threw me through a serious loop( not to mention battling anxiety and depression at thw same damn time lol). God had come Thru you hear me. I have felt crazy enough to admit myself half this yeat but He held me down in the most faithful if ways. In one week he provided my rent , a job, christmas toys for my son and a new school for my son… I have been in a spiritual deserr and last week God told me to fast for a few days and really get down and cry to him..like sobbing how much i needed him in my life. I am being revived with reading scripture daily, praying and fasting when led. It has made all the difference. I have a new thirst for worship music enter hosanna by my fav group Hillsong:)..all this to say it is not too late in 2016 for God to reveal new things and to draw closer to him.. be encouraged sis.. I just said a prayer for you..love Myesha all the way in Houston.

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