Of lately the word “betrayal” has been floating around in my head, I know that might sound really weird but that’s how my brain works. The idea was first sparked from watching the last episode of Scandal (which if you haven’t watched you REALLY should). In that episode one of the characters is having a very hard time dealing with betrayal and even though the person that has betrayed him has apologized and is trying to make it better he just can’t get past it. Something about that moment struck a big chord with me and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. The more I let the word bounce around in my head the more and more sad I became. This week I’ve been feeling a bit like an emotional wreck and I can’t understand why so what have decided to do? Come to my blog and talk about it of course.
I have a few people in my life who I associate with the word “betrayal”. First I want to talk about just the word alone though, the definition says “to be false or disloyal” but the interesting thing is that we all have different levels of what we consider “betrayal” or being “disloyal” and that usually is where the problem lies. How my actions effects each person in my life is completely different which is why it is very easy to not understand why or how you’ve hurt someone or how they’ve hurt you. The people who have betrayed me if they were to be asked what they think they’ve done or if anything at all, their answer more than likely wouldn’t be the same as mine. But the thing I’m struggling with is how to get over the feeling of betrayal or do you ever?
When a relationship of any kind goes through a traumatic experience and there’s hurt and loss of trust, pain and weariness which ultimately leads to one or both parties feeling betrayed, what can you do to mend that feeling for yourself? I have a very hard time being fake, people think because I’m an actress I can just plaster on a smile and give hugs anytime of the day but that’s not true. If I’m uncomfortable and if I don’t feel safe there’s no faking it. I can’t hide how I feel and it will show in everything I do. I’m that person who’s acting really quiet all of a sudden and I need to leave early, that type of uncomfortable.
But I’ve been asking myself, why do I still have that feeling of betrayal? Why can’t I shake it? I think it’s because I stopped feeling safe. I think that’s what the simple definition of “betrayal” is, the loss of safety. Your secrets, your truths, your jokes, your ideas, your heart, your love, your vulnerability no longer feels safe in the arms of this person. Even when you try to mend the wounds, try to turn a new page and start a new chapter you can’t because you’re different. You’re eyes are open in a way that isn’t good for the relationship, they’re open wider but your walls are higher the lock on the door is tighter and you don’t want to change it.
I’m struggling with the feeling of betrayal because I feel betrayed by people I loved and felt safe with and now I don’t. Will I get over it? Only time will tell but I think thats the only “cure” for betrayal; time. Taking time away, moving on and letting go of the feelings that still hurt you. So tell me, have you dealt with betrayal? Did you get over it? How?