I created my youtube channel trailer this week and in doing it, I realized I’ve done a lot. Not to toot my own horn but I’ve been pursuing this thing for awhile and in creating my channel trailer it kind of felt more like I was creating a demo reel on my life’s work lol. It was an interesting experience on deciding what to put in, and how I wanted it to come across and just who and what is “Andrea Lewis Channel”. In the end I was proud looking back at it, thinking about where I started my career and then why I started this youtube channel and if my initial goals met my current ones.
My mission and my goals for my career are still the same as they’ve always been since I was a little girl but in reflecting on my career and my life as an artist I had a sad realization that I’d yet to truly step into my light. I looked back on my work and realized that I had a lot of moments that I could’ve done more. And this is not one of those “we’re our own worst critic” moments, this is real honesty, that I am actually capable of being, doing, acting, giving, living, having, believing, dreaming and did I say BEING more!
When I look back, there is always a moment that I can reflect on where I wasn’t giving my all, I wasn’t truly giving myself a fair shot at winning. The slightest and simplest self sabotage in the most irresponsible of ways. Not always consciously but most of the time just simply being lazy. As I’m writing this, I’m actually having an “ah-ha” moment of just trying to think why? The word safe immediately comes to mind. Maybe I found safety and comfort in holding myself back just enough? Like as if I’ve been willing to take just a little bit of risk, just a small leap of faith lol. But the full thing? The real pressure on myself to go 150% though? To be in the best shape of life? To work on my craft and my skills so feverishly that I could never doubt them? To think about my looks strategically and to be vain for just a moment so that it would benefit me? To finally find my light and actually stand in it? I haven’t done that, I know that I’ve just been comfortable and doing just enough.
One of my best friends, boyfriend always accuses her of only going 30% “She hasn’t tapped into her real potential yet, she’s not really trying yet.” Whenever he says it, I feel like he’s talking to me and not my friend. But birds of a feather stick together right? And he’s right my friend is only operating on her lowest setting, but her and I had a real conversation one night about her fears about herself. Her reasoning for holding back was simply her own doubt that she could handle the pressure. Afraid she’ll disappoint and not measure up to the requirements. But you’ll never know if you don’t try right?
I’ve been fortunate to witness a lot of my friends and peers, take the challenge of stepping into and owning their light. Stepping up to the pressure and making the changes necessary to be and do what they wanted. They all found a way to own it, even if that meant they had to fight harder than they’ve ever fought before, but in the end that fight took their lives and careers to another level. And though I’ve gotten far and I’m grateful for all that I’ve learned and experienced, I’m now at a stage where my “cutting corners” and playing it safe is beginning to catch up with me and make me very frustrated and restless.
I’m sharing my honest thoughts and progress with you guys because I know that I’m not perfect, but I’m striving to be the best version of myself that I can be and that requires me to be open. I say all of this to say, if you’re anything like me, ask yourself honestly if you’ve found your light? And if you haven’t what do you need to do find it and own it?
You’ll never know if you don’t try
-Sincerely my nagging conscience.